Brokeback: lost in memories
by Garnet Dark
Summary: what is Ennis like after jack dies? well i think that he is devastated and cant cope without his love. warning this is a slash story.


Hey this is my second story on fanfic I hope you like it! Its broke back mountain! I love that film its so sad I cried for ages! For you who don't know much about it, its is the story of ranch hand Ennis del Mar (Heath Ledger) and rodeo cowboy Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal), two men who fall in love on the fictional Broke back Mountain in Wyoming in 1963. The film documents their relationship over twenty years. This is in memory of Heath Ledger, who died 22nd of January 2008 just aged 28 years old because of a "toxic combination of prescription drugs" it's too young a age to die.

Ennis sat in his trailer alone. He was leaning back on his chair his hat over his brow, thinking of jack, it was like a caress to him saying his name. He often said it out loud "Jack Twist," the image of him smiling in his head. He was the love of his life! his reason for living and now that he's gone, Ennis was shattered! He kept Jack's shirt, he went to Jacks home and took the shirts to remember him by, (just how jack took Ennis's checked shirt and his denim shirt and put their shirt's together, it still had their blood from the fight on their sleeves.) He held it in his arms taking in his scent he cried into it " Oh Jack! It should have been me not you!" he put it into his overnight bag. He got into the car (he promised his daughter he'd be there for her wedding.) In his best suit and shoes he arrived at the church, to walk her down the aisle. She saw him and ran up to him giving Ennis a huge hug.

"Dad! You made it! You actually came!" she gushed so happy to see him "Alma, you look beautiful" he said, one of the most proudest fathers that day. She had her wedding dress on, "you look like a snow princess" he told her. Walking down the aisle he felt close to tears, giving his daughter away to some stranger was hard for him even if he barely knew his own daughters, but randy seemed a nice enough fella. All through the ceremony he thought if he could ever of married Jack. If any time they would be accepted as a couple, but he'd missed his shot at being with Jack. Now he's all alone. He only escaped in his dreams, to be with Jack, where they weren't judged at broke back mountain. Lying in his arms, it was like they were in heaven together.

One of his most treasured moments was when Jack was falling asleep on his legs he was so tired from heading sheep all night, Ennis wrapped his arms round him, " come on now your sleepin on your feet like a horse …" the way everything was so carefree and the way he could take him in his arms like that. Ennis never said much but enjoyed himself listening to Jack's outrageous stories about being a rodeo cowboy. Ennis' favourite time was when he told Jack that his father had said that rodeo cowboys were all fuck-ups. "The hell they are," Jack had replied then he had surprised Ennis with a sudden re-enactment of a cowboy whirling around madly on a bull, waving to the crowd and finally getting thrown and it was quite a sight to see.

**Ennis: **After the wedding I needed to be on my own, so left everyone, sitting in my car. I couldn't hold back the tears, my sobs racking my shoulders. I hoped no one would find me, to see me crying. I was not expecting my ex-wife to knock on my car window. "Now what the hell are you blubbering at hu? A big guy like you! Open the door Ennis!" she put her hands on her hips. He reluctantly opened the door locks and she made her way over to the other side of the car and got in.

He covered his face with his hands and continued to sob. "Oh Ennis, what is the matter?" she sighed she couldn't help her feelings for him even though he'd broke her heart, seeing him like this hurt her which was strange. "Did you an that Jack fella have an argument?" she said his name like a curse this made Ennis worse, and he cried out in pain, drawing up his thin knees on the chair in a fetal position. "what did I say wrong?" she exclaimed "you sound as though I've stabbed you or somethin!" she threw her hands up in the air, by now everyone heard and they gathered round the car "Daddy?" they saw him rocking and crying "whats wrong?" the girls asked he sobbed and sobbed! "Ennis! Stop it! your embarrassing yourself!" she smacked him, he lifted his head and his sobbing ceased but big fat tears fell down his face. He looked broken, and utterly a boy again after all he's only 38 years old! She grabs his wrist and drops it like it burned her "have you been eatin? You look like a skeleton! Christ! Lets get ya inside," she signalled for her par and her new husband to get him in the house.

They both grabbed under his armpits and lifted him out the car. "Jesus Christ! He's skinnier than a starving dog! Have you been eatin" Alma's par said I groaned in pain. My head lolled to the side, I gave up at that moment, I thought 'I'm coming Jack Twist!' I stopped eating and only drank whisky. I closed my eyes going back to that moment when we were first intimate. 19 years of age, we were lying in the tent, it was so goddammed freezing! I passed out drunk by the fire the stars were so pretty that night, the sky was a dark sapphire and the stars like little diamonds glittering w commented on them the weather was cool but it soon turned so cold I groaned dithering, Jack shouted at me to get in the tent and I near enough ran in there. We were asleep and I felt someone grab my hand and tug it over their side. I settled against the person, and nuzzled HIS neck. I jumped back startled. Jack came after me, grabbing my clothes and face I could tell he was trying to kiss me and I fought back. NO! my body language told him, I was too shocked to speak. So he started taking off his coat! WHAT! Rooted to the spot I watched him undo his belt and pants. What am I supposed to do? What did he want me to do? He groaned in anticipation, I suppose I had to do what he wanted. I just thought to myself that we were lonely and just wanted the company after all, we are with sheep and horses all day. Jack's my only true friend! I don't really understand what I'm doing, I'm just reacting to the situation.

I know the right thing to do is fight with him, well Christ my dad would want me to kill 'em! Christ! I'm flipping him over! What am I doing? He's on all fours in front of me, I push his pants down. And then my own! Is this right? I'm treating him like he is life stock at first he yelps in pain. I think Oh god this is not what he want's! I'm hurting him! But I couldn't stop now, I wanted his skin on mine and he started groaning and I know he's enjoying this as much as I was he hit the floor and cursed. When our skin met it was like an electrical charge and I knew I loved him from the first moment we met and this only made it stronger. Oh Jack! I LOVE YOU! I never told him that, and he was always saying it, but Jack I'm saying it. I murmured it through my thin tight lips "I love you, I'm so sorry," Jack was always telling me off for mumbling as no one could understand me so I raised my voice for him "I love you, ya hear?" I felt myself be put on Alma's sofa "he's drunk!" I heard my ex-Alma say.

But my mind was at broke back, in Wyoming, it was the day after I'd taken him in violence. We didn't speak much only to say that we should never speak of what happened again. But it was on my mind all day, I stared at him his face, strong shoulders, arms, thin waist, long legs. Oh how his lips were so full and soft! What he could do with them… like his smile it was so… well words cant describe it! I remembered why I was pushing him away, par taking me to see this body, the blood and stink! His face had a permanent grimace. I remember him telling me why this was done to him that he lived with another bloke and they was close, I remember throwing up, he was dragged round by his penis from a horse until it ripped off, he was in the ditch. I couldn't let him go through that, I know I couldn't go through that!

Well he went into the tent, and left the flap open, so I could see him take off his shirt, I couldn't stop myself! I went over, holding my hat like a shield in front of my crotch. And then I went on my knee's 'he's gonna want to kiss me' I thought my heart thumping in my chest! I've never kissed anyone before, well I gave Alma a peck but that's just about it. This is a man, he's not gonna want a peck. He took the hat off me, and threw it on the floor, I was not comfortable with him kissing me but I owed it to him, after all I'd hurt him last night. He took my face in his hands and went to kiss me, at first I moved my face away and he got the corner of my lips but it was like just that contact felt like fireworks, and I moved my mouth towards his. We started a fire and it burned between us. He brought my head to his chest and we lay on the bedrolls, I rubbed my hands on his bare chest. He had little black hair on it, and I wanted to be inside him again. We explored each others bodies, I kissed his neck and chest. He rolled on top of me, straddling me, our bellies were smushed together, our mouths moving in synchronisation. I still remember his taste: it was a mixture of whisky, beans, elk and a kind of man taste which is unexplainable. With our mouths smashed against one another, we were oblivious to everything around us.

Alma my daughter shook my shoulder, "daddy?" she asked she sounded like she was crying, "mummy what did you say to him?" she asked accusingly "I asked about his fishing buddy, and he went nuts! Its not my fault!" she said, no it wasn't her fault I'd hurt her, I deserve all I get. I'm a sinner! "No, it's not your mothers fault. Don't talk to your mother that way," I said trying to get my bearings. She can't treat her like that when she doesn't know me as much as her mother. She's just trying to protect her, to look after them as she should. "What are you doing! ruining your daughters wedding with drink? This is supposed to be the most important day of her life!" Alma said "Im not drunk," I told her, I couldn't get drunk as I forget Jack, "I don't want to forget," I said. "he's obviously drunk," she said and went to smell my breath but all she smelt was my normal breath, just a faint scent of alcohol a few hours old.

With shock horror she told them all "he's not drunk!" they all looked at him "well, what's wrong with him?" par said, she shrugged "I don't know. We should fetch the doctor, I think he's sick." Alma always knew that I hated doctor's. "No doctors!" I protested, I couldn't hold onto reality for long and I was back broke back with Jack. Remembering his soft brown eye's the way the stubble felt when we kissed. I felt I was loosing hold on reality, but when I am with Jack I feel happy, in reality I feel like I am in a deep lake below its surface, the currents pulling me deeper. I could see the sun above me, beckoning me to it. But I don't fight the current's anymore I let it envelope me. I give up on life. I don't want to fight anymore.

The doctor came, to look at me he checked my eyes, my temperature, took some bloods, and looked at my weight. I heard him say to them that "there's nothing really wrong with him, he's really under-weight but that wont explain his crying and mumbling, it seems to me that he is a severely depresses man. Get him to eat something and I'll get these blood samples back to the lab. We can try him on anti-depressants. But that's all." I thought that I actually liked this doctor, he understands what was wrong with me. But I ain't takin any anti-what's its, I don't believe in that sort of thing. They tried to get me to eat some soup, I tried for the girls but it was hard to swallow. It should have been me! I remember the last time I saw him, we had a nasty row and it was me! I pushed him away, I couldn't let him get hurt! I told him I wish I knew how to quit you but I didn't mean it. He knew that. We ended up in an embrace. I regret saying to him why cant I quit you! "jeez! Jack! Your like a drug! I can never quit you!"

"Daddy? What did you just say? Who cant you quit? Who's jack? What are you quitting?" the youngest Jenny fired at me, I looked around everyone heard! Who cares anyway! "Jack is his fishing buddy!" Alma (Ex) said to them. I think it got too much for her and she burst " it's always Jack isn't it? I saw you two! Together! kissing! It makes me sick…!" she shouted at me. "Daddy what is she saying?" the youngest said everyone shocked I thought there was no harm now, it would be easier to join jack. "You heard what I said!" she replied the girls were crying now, "he's done this to you!" she said, her new husband Monroe took her arm "Alma, stop! Your makin the girls cry!" she looked at them "I'm sorry girls," I didn't notice I was sobbing until Jenny clung to me "daddy, tell me it's not true! Please!" she looked into my eyes. I stayed silent. Grieving. She saw in my eye's that I wasn't denying what Alma said. She let go of me like I was diseased, like I had the plague.

"Why are you like this? What are you crying about?" Alma Jr asked me "is what she saying true?" I looked at her. "He's dead." it barely escaped my lips. It was utterly broken and it broke my heart saying it. It made my shoulders rack with my broken sob's. I covered my eye's in shame of what I am, and in grief. "Oh dad!" she threw her arms around me. Enveloping me in her sweet embrace, she smelt like sweet strawberries, she always loved strawberries. I think everyone's heart broke that day. Seeing someone utterly broken. "I'm all on my own!" I said "I've lost everything! I've lost Jack!" Jenny took my free hand "well your not on your own any more, you've got us!" she said. It would never be the same without Jack though.

If only we'd been born in another time, where we could have been together, like it is nowadays. For now my mind stays in broke back mountain with jack. Where one day I will join him, our spirits will find each other and then no one can separate us! This is my story.

Please review and tell me what you thought about it!


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